Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. For many, one already is too much to ask. But for this Fortunate one, this Silicon Valley son, indulgence often constitutes something like the pursuit of beauty or serenity. I recall short almaden foothills beside quicksilver, rose family with aspirations for some good, some right, some acceptable. Some marvelous idea: a long summer afternoon, walk out along the ridge. Up for a stretch under the heavy oak trees to gain purpose, pause in the shade of a small summit for breath, then descend and build conviction to carry it through.
Come inside, join others with a simple meal on the table. Chat standing beside a friend or sitting with some younger children. Soon, the pleasant cool of this mercury-blue evening falls, so back home to find a remainder of rest, plans, or dreams.
There's somebody to dream to build. Before me, several share such a mind. I try to swallow as well; but it's soon rejected. Is it my imagination, or is that taste the poison of vanity and apathy?
My thoughts hurry back again. Maybe just my imagination after all . . .
(from荷塘月色) 这几天心里颇不宁静。今晚在院子里坐着乘凉，忽然想起日日走过的荷塘，在这满月的光里，总该另有一番样子吧。月亮渐渐地升高了，墙外马路上孩子们的欢笑，已经听不见了；妻在屋里拍着闰儿，迷迷糊糊地哼着眠歌。我悄悄地披了大衫，带上门出去。 沿着荷塘，是一条曲折的小煤屑路。这是一条幽僻的路；白天也少人走，夜晚更加寂寞。荷塘四面，长着许多树，蓊蓊郁郁的。路的一旁，是些杨柳，和一些不知道名字的树。没有月光的晚上，这路上阴森森的，有些怕人。今晚却很好，虽然月光也还是淡淡的。 路上只我一个人，背着手踱着。这一片天地好像是我的；我也像超出了平常的自己，到了另一世界里。我爱热闹，也爱冷静；爱群居，也爱独处。像今晚上，一个人在这苍茫的月下，什么都可以想，什么都可以不想，便觉是个自由的人。白天里一定要做的事，一定要说的话，现在都可不理。这是独处的妙处，我且受用这无边的荷香月色好了。 曲曲折折的荷塘上面，弥望的是田田的叶子。叶子出水很高，像亭亭的舞女的裙。层层的叶子中间，零星地点缀着些白花，有袅娜地开着的，有羞涩地打着朵儿的；正如一粒粒的明珠，又如碧天里的星星，又如刚出浴的美人。微风过处，送来缕缕清香，仿佛远处高楼上渺茫的歌声似的。这时候叶子与花也有一丝的颤动，像闪电般，霎时传过荷塘的那边去了。叶子本是肩并肩密密地挨着，这便宛然有了一道凝碧的波痕。叶子底下是脉脉的流水，遮住了，不能见一些颜色；而叶子却更见风致了。
Looking back, what did you reach, aspire to, fulfill? Exited high school, entered college. Any direction? I see a fog there, but where did it spill in from? To graduate to work to now. Seems to be swallowing me whole.
Could it be . . . there was nothing there all along? No capacity to access or orient yourself to the world, to responsibilities, to goals was developed in the first place? Where now, then?
"Ben remember: camerones que se duermen, la corriente se los lleva."
Grandma, I hear you, but still don't see clearly.
月光如流水一般，静静地泻在这一片叶子和花上。薄薄的青雾浮起在荷塘里。叶子和花仿佛在牛乳中洗过一样；又像笼着轻纱的梦。虽然是满月，天上却有一层淡淡的云，所以不能朗照；但我以为这恰是到了好处——酣眠固不可少，小睡也别有风味的。月光是隔了树照过来的，高处丛生的灌木，落下参差的斑驳的黑影，峭楞楞如鬼一般；弯弯的杨柳的稀疏的倩影，却又像是画在荷叶上。塘中的月色并不均匀；但光与影有着和谐的旋律，如梵婀玲上奏着的名曲。 荷塘的四面，远远近近，高高低低都是树，而杨柳最多。这些树将一片荷塘重重围住；只在小路一旁，漏着几段空隙，像是特为月光留下的。树色一例是阴阴的，乍看像一团烟雾；但杨柳的丰姿，便在烟雾里也辨得出。树梢上隐隐约约的是一带远山，只有些大意罢了。树缝里也漏着一两点路灯光，没精打采的，是渴睡人的眼。这时候最热闹的，要数树上的蝉声与水里的蛙声；但热闹是它们的，我什么也没有。
Recover. Don’t replay. Reshape, rediscover, relearn.
Once dead, what's life once more? once again? one,
two,
go . . .
忽然想起采莲的事情来了。采莲是江南的旧俗，似乎很早就有，而六朝时为盛；从诗歌里可以约略知道。采莲的是少年的女子，她们是荡着小船，唱着艳歌去的。采莲人不用说很多，还有看采莲的人。那是一个热闹的季节，也是一个风流的季节。梁元帝《采莲赋》里说得好： 于是妖童媛女，荡舟心许；鷁首徐回，兼传羽杯；欋将移而藻挂，船欲动而萍开。尔其纤腰束素，迁延顾步；夏始春余，叶嫩花初，恐沾裳而浅笑，畏倾船而敛裾。 可见当时嬉游的光景了。这真是有趣的事，可惜我们现在早已无福消受了。 于是又记起《西洲曲》里的句子： 采莲南塘秋，莲花过人头；低头弄莲子，莲子清如水。 今晚若有采莲人，这儿的莲花也算得“过人头”了；只不见一些流水的影子，是不行的。这令我到底惦着江南了。——这样想着，猛一抬头，不觉已是自己的门前；轻轻地推门进去，什么声息也没有，妻已睡熟好久了。
(from Everyone’s Beautiful by Don Chaffer )
I used to draw all the time back when I was in high school
Thick yellow pencils with soft lead that smeared real easypage after page.
I was lonely. But senior year I met a girl and she made me feel better here
but a girl was a girl was a girl
And she was beautifulEveryone’s beautiful
I smeared the picture and left it with her to appraise
I remember in junior high, half sick from fear on the hillside
Eddie wore braces and talked like he couldn’t be beaten
Shawn had said Friday out back after school
and Eddie was stumbling, blood mixed with drool
But a fight is a fight is a fight
Still they were beautifulEveryone’s beautiful
All of us crawling on hands and knees in need of you
I want to liftmy memoryof them in the desert and set it on fire
and watch it burn watch it burn Oh, how it changes
and hope that the smoke of the sins of my youth
will sail to the base of the throne of a King
cause a prayer is a prayer is a prayer
And they were beautifulEveryone’s beautiful
Let them all find their redemption down deep in Your eyes
