艰辛，艰辛，艰辛

King and Queen in GuanZhou Island

(near Luntou and University Town)

Where am I? In this last year teaching and working at this school, I just think I'm like a broken compass -- one so broken it spins wildly. My directions and plans send me one way, then another. My emotions are all over the map; sometimes, I feel I'm making some progress; perhaps we'll get somewhere . . .
Then, next moment, I see something I had overlooked, or hear something I missed before, my whole trajectory gets flipped. I discover I've been so lost all along.

In this May Day Holiday, 9 days off from school. I decided to stay in Guangzhou, so I would have time with students (those still in school and graduates as well), and also time to get my thoughts in order for the remainder of the term.

Phew, it has still been full and busy everyday. Saturday, i went to Bai Yun (Whitecloud) Mountain; Sunday made ice cream - fruit medly (白搭果 style ) with students; Monday, visited Philip in the hospital, then helped Tommy move his things; Tuesday, was visited by Grade '04 graduates who cooked lunch in my dorm; Wednesday, went with students to Dafu Shan in Panyu for biking and sightseeing; today, visited with King and King's Wife Verna (aka, Queen) near King's work in Lun Tou,论头, a very remote part of Haizhu District. (There is also Guanzhou 官洲 island there, just across from University Town. This small island is soon to be greatly affected by the increased attention paid to the surrounding areas. Many residents soon will be uprooted and sent to live in another district.)

These holidays, I'm thinking busy is good; it will keep my mind and spirit active and awake. Also, it fills me in on what's happening with students inside and outside the school. I guess that's the part that throws me off most times. Seems the more and more I learn from students, the more disheartened, disillusioned, and disoriented I become. It happened Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It also happened today. Somebody expressed disinterest in continuing learning English; one prepared to leave an awful condition at work; a dark cloud of apathy and hopelessness seemed to be hovering over another; someone at risk of losing the chance to continue study next term because of such low english level; a last one to revise their resume to look for another job.


Why is the situation for our school so hopeless?

The Big Three:

1. our school cannot find sustainable means to support itself financially.
2. it makes rash decisions that disrupt student's life and study.
3. it provides a diploma to graduates that's of no effective use.

So I ask, "What am I doing here?" It seems the few good ideas we shared to help the school are not going anywhere. Internship ideas? Website improvement? Educational Exchange? So far, all we've got to show are some pretty small potatoes. Nothing deserving of these students really. And so they just keep struggling on.

Also, outside of school related problems, private hardships facing students can't be overlooked. Philip and Hanky this week both went into the hospital. Philip's entire MayDay is spent in a hospital bed. Hanky's high spirits, sobered by pain developing in his leg and after consulting with a doctor, seemed very far-away.

"I STAGGERED on through darkness,

There was a hazy sky, a few stars

Which I followed as best I could.

It was nine o’clock, I was trying to get home.

But somehow I was lost,

Though really keeping the road.

Then I reeled through a gate and into a yard,

And called at the top of my voice:

“Oh, Fiddler! Oh, Mr. Jones!”

(I thought it was his house and he would show me the way home.)

But who should step out but A. D. Blood,

In his night shirt, waving a stick of wood,

And roaring about the cursed saloons,

And the criminals they made?

“You drunken Oscar Hummel,” he said,

As I stood there weaving to and fro,

Taking the blows from the stick in his hand

Till I dropped down dead at his feet."

"Have you seen walking through the village
A man with downcast eyes and haggard face?
That is my husband who, by secret cruelty
Never to be told, robbed me of my youth and my beauty:
Till at last, wrinkled and with yellow teeth,
And with broken pride and shameful humility,
I sank into the grave.
But what think you gnaws at my husband’s heart?
The face of what I was, the face of what he made me!
These are driving him to the place where I lie.
In death, therefore, I am avenged."